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Articles
In 1994, with their marriage in shambles, Joel and Kathy Davisson
attended Life Skills International in Aurora, Colorado, under the guise of being
trained to be facilitators at an LSI Center. Their pastor at the time felt
helpless in the face of their situation and arranged the trip. The
gracious God we serve used the truth discovered at the seminar to bring
permanent change and healing to their relationship.
Joel and Kathy now share the Word of God as a unique ministry team. They flow
together harmoniously as they share the Word of God and the principles of
marriage restoration that they live. Their ministry brings life, strength and
encouragement. The Word that God spoke to Joel in 1983 is now coming to pass:
“You and Kathy will be married and I will touch many through you as a couple.”
The ministry is a family affair. Joining Joel and Kathy in leading praise and
worship, special music presentations, dance, healing the sick (and in baseball!)
are their four young people: Chris, Jenifer, Josiah and Shekinah.
Joel and Kathy emphasize family relationships in all of their ministry venues. They believe that ministry flows out of both successful husband and wife
relationships and successful relationships with the children. Joel and
Kathy minister a strong word of marriage restoration drawn from their years of
struggle and the victory they now live.
Joel and Kathy offer their book, The Man of Her Dreams / the Woman of His!,
an 8-hour DVD seminar, a four hour CD Audio Book of The Man of Her Dreams/The
Woman of His! and the NEW book Livin’ It and Lovin’ It! These are
available at
www.godsavemymarriage.com
Chapter Three of The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His!
This Woman You Gave Me, Lord!
By Joel
But it was the woman you gave me who brought me the
fruit and I ate it.
Genesis 3:12 (NLB)
When our marriage was going through its worst times I was a master at
manipulating Kathy. I did it in a manner that would enable me to convince
anyone in our world that Kathy was at fault for any problem we had.
Boiled down to the bottom line, the problems all worked like this: Kathy would
express a need. I was childish and therefore the need would touch my
insecurities and overwhelm me. I could not bring myself to simply meet her
need.
I despised any signs of weakness in Kathy. Instead of embracing her when she
would express a need, I would be repelled. I would recoil in anger at her
attempts to touch a place of tenderness in me. My insecurities stopped me from
welcoming her into my heart and propelled me away from lovingly meeting her
need. Understand that I was often tender but it was always on my terms and
in my timing, yet when Kathy needed and requested tenderness from me, it was not
available.
Instead the walls would go up and I would say something to put her off. “You
don’t need a hug right now.” “You don’t need to talk to me. You need to talk to
God.” “I did not look at you in a condescending way.”
From here things would escalate to the point where Kathy would scream or throw a
plate at me! Now I had my ammo! I had all the proof that I needed to justify
that I was the good guy. Kathy was unstable!
One especially frustrating time for Kathy was when I arrived home after working
on the road for four days. Kathy had worked continuously taking care of
our three children and preparing our home so it would be just right when I
returned.
Our third child, Josiah, was a newborn and he had jaundice. Kathy had to keep
him on the windowsill in the sun or under a “plant-grow” light. Chris and Jen
were very active five- and four-year-olds, respectively. Needless to say,
Kathy was always on the edge of exhaustion or a nervous breakdown. To make
matters worse she felt like she had to keep everything perfect in our world so
that I would not put her down.
When I pulled up to the house I realized that Kathy had parked four feet over
into my parking place and I could not fit my car in. I got out, moved her
vehicle and went into the house in a huff. Instead of greeting her and the
children with a loving kiss and embrace, I rudely informed her that she had
parked exactly how I had specifically told her not to park the week before!
Rather than noticing how clean and organized the house was, a window blind
caught my eye. “Kathy, didn’t I tell you that I like to keep the blinds up to
let the light in?”
This was one of those times where my mental and emotional abuse was just too
much. Kathy escalated and I escalated further. She pulled a friend out of a
church service and proceeded to express her frustrations telling her that God
had to do something quick because she could not handle this anymore.
 It
was not long after this that one of our arguments grew to the point that Kathy
hit me in the chest. Being bigger, stronger and always needing to reinforce that
I was in control, I grabbed her and wrestled her to the ground. I hit her on the
back once to get my point across that “I indeed am bigger and stronger. You had
better not take a swing at me.” The hit on her back did not hurt or leave a
bruise or mark. I was determined to put Kathy in her place by utilizing physical
restraint and mental, emotional, or spiritual abuse.
Kathy called a mutual friend; her husband came over to confront me. He said,
“Joel, did you hit your wife?” I insisted that I had simply been protecting
myself. He walked out, bewildered and not knowing how to answer my defense. He
simply said, as he left, “Joel, you can’t hit your wife.”
In my mind, I had been totally justified in this “physical restraint.” In
retrospect, it had not hurt when Kathy hit me in the chest. I was in no danger.
This incident was only a continuation in my game of one-upmanship.
This type of physical altercation only happened perhaps four times in those
difficult first ten years of our marriage (1984-1994). The bottom line in my
mind was that Kathy was at fault for every one of these “restraining
encounters.” I was simply a victim who was protecting myself. My insecurities
hindered me from simply meeting Kathy’s needs. Instead, I was willing to
get into yelling and screaming matches, which occasionally climaxed in these
physical situations.
As long as I could push Kathy to act in a way that I could point to as proof
that she was at fault, I was satisfied. My ego and pride were intact and
justified. Totally ridiculous, isn’t it? Yet these same patterns are repeated in
hundreds of thousands of Christian homes every day. Some are to the same
degree, some are not as bad and some are worse.
When we landed in Colorado for the Life Skills Ministry seminar on marriage
counseling I had years of evidence of Kathy causing problems in our marriage.
I had been successful at convincing everyone in our world that Kathy was the
source of the trouble in our marriage. When Kathy would reach out to a pastor or
anyone else who might help, I could easily convince the person that Kathy was to
blame. If I had read this paragraph at the time, my response would have been,
“Well, that is just great for you, but in my marriage, Kathy really is the one
at fault.” Not only would I have said this, I would have firmly believed it. Is
there any wonder that we have a 50% divorce rate in the Body of Christ?
We sat for the first few hours as the founder of Life Skills International, Paul
Hegstrom, emphasized the role of men in a relationship and their
responsibilities to their wives. Finally, I could stand it no more. I publicly
asked Paul, “Okay, so we have been talking to men for a few hours now. When do
we talk about what the women have to do?”
 To
this he replied, “When a man gets his issues straight and meets his wife’s
needs, most of her issues will go away and she will begin to respond in a
positive way.” I did not like that answer! That answer insinuated that our
problems might partially be my fault when clearly they were all Kathy’s fault! I
just knew that I could convince Paul of this fact if given the chance, so I
waited for my opportunity.
A few more hours into the training, I repeated the question in another manner. “Can’t the woman be the problem? The man is not always the problem
in marriage.” Of course I gestured toward my problem wife!
This continued into the second day until Dr. Hegstrom finally had enough. He
told me point blank that I was the problem in my marriage. He told me that
Kathy was desperate to have a great marriage relationship for that is how God
made her.
He continued, saying that my issues had caused the problems in our marriage and
that if I would get healed and change that I would have a most incredible wife. He emphatically stated that she might have some very minor issues that need to
be addressed but that she will deal with those on her own after I have dealt
with mine.
Paul told me that God made Kathy a responder and that her problems were a
reflection of her responding to my treatment of her. He said that when I grow up
and lay my life down for my wife as Christ did for the church that I would be
amazed at how wonderful a wife I have.
This was the beginning. A seed was planted. I did not change overnight but my
perception gradually began to change. I began to realize that I had been at
fault in our problems. I began to see that my pride, insecurity and
immaturity caused me to run from Kathy’s needs instead of reaching out to meet
them.
I began to see why I required that everything originate with me. My ways of
expressing my love for Kathy always had to be my idea. If I suggested we go out
to dinner or if I bought her flowers then I was happy to express love to her. However, when it was her idea (or demand, as I saw it) I would throw down the
gauntlet. I would tell her that she was too needy.
As far as I was concerned, any needs that she expressed were illegitimate and
were signs of weakness. I was unwilling to attempt meeting her needs. In my
opinion they were too deep. I would rudely instruct Kathy to talk to the Lord by
declaring, “I can’t help you! You are a bottomless pit of needs. Talk to God or
a girlfriend. Just leave me alone!”
 I could not admit when I did something wrong. My insecurities were too deep, my
pride insurmountable. I felt like I would lose something if I admitted that I
had made a mistake. As God began to let me see our marital problems in the light
of truth it all began to dawn on me. I had been the problem all along!
If only I had been dead to myself while being willing to meet my wife’s needs,
we would not have had 99% of our problems.
If I had mutually submitted to her instead of demanding that she submit to me,
we would have been saved from years of grief.
I would like to tell you that our marriage miraculously turned around in 24
hours after the seminar that we attended.
The truth is that it took a couple years for the seeds that were planted on that
weekend to come to fruition in a way that made enough of a meaningful difference
in our lives that Kathy could relax.
Kathy was very excited after the seminar and could see immediately that seeds of
change were planted in me. The following six months were especially difficult
for Kathy because she knew that I had received the knowledge but I continued to
struggle with the paradigm shift regularly. A number of times Kathy grew so
frustrated that she would call Paul Hegstrom’s office in Colorado to receive
counsel from him.
In one of these conversations Paul told Kathy that she should start setting
money aside in order to fund a temporary separation. He felt that this would
cause the changes to happen more quickly. Kathy decided against this plan
of action but I mention it to present the reality of our situation and to bring
a hopeful message that your marriage can be healed regardless of the severity of
your difficulties.
The job that I had at the time took me away from home four days a week. I would
be on the road three times per month leaving Monday night and returning on
Friday. At times Kathy would be ready for me to hit the road again on
Saturday!
We worked at improving our relationship, though. I asked Kathy to confront me
when I was being verbally, emotionally or spiritually abusive. I asked her to
remind me of the things that we learned and hold me accountable. I needed
to treat her in a way that acknowledged her value.
Kathy was patient. I could get away with a little bit of insensitivity,
put-downs or bad treatment of her. We made an agreement to use a signal so
that I could begin to identify when my attitudes were unacceptable.
If I were in a bad mood she would try to gently soothe me by offering me a quiet
place to relax with a cup of tea or suggesting that I go out to a movie.
When this did not help and I would continue pushing on her she would get her
fill and use the pre-chosen and agreed upon words, “jerk” or “heel.” At this
signal I would immediately drop the subject and back off.
I still remember pushing on Kathy emotionally and her saying things like, “If
you don’t quit, God will not answer your prayers!” Sometimes she would demand to
know if I was going to live the Word or just teach it!
Many times Kathy would tell me that I was being manipulative and controlling.
I would disagree and we would proceed to argue over whether or not I was being
manipulative and controlling!
A few days later I would admit to her and myself that yes, I indeed had been
acting abusively again!
My growing up and meeting Kathy’s needs was a very difficult process. Paul Hegstrom and a lady pastor that Kathy would confide in both told her that the
time would have been shortened had she separated from me. It was a personal
decision that Kathy made not to leave. We never tell women that they are
required to stay in an abusive situation regardless of whether the abuse is
physical, mental, emotional or spiritual.
Kathy has always been dedicated and committed to our having a successful
marriage. She looked for every positive sign that I was making progress
and that there was hope for our relationship.
 I almost broke this mechanism in her, but by the grace of God, Kathy stuck with
it. Today, she brags about me everywhere she goes and we enjoy a wonderful
relationship. I am the man of her dreams and she truly is the woman of mine.
Men, here it is. Your wife wants a fabulous and happy relationship with you. God
made her that way. In Genesis God spoke to your wife concerning this desire that
she would have for you.
Your desire shall be for your husband.
Genesis 3:16
She wants you, baby, she wants you! However, what God
created your wife to desire is a deep, meaningful, bonded, successful
relationship with you.
Bonding with your wife is a difficult thing to describe. Bonding is believing
that you are equals. Bonding is treating each other with love and respect.
Bonding is loving the thoughts of your partner.
Bonding is being sensitive to not hurt the one you love. Bonding is becoming
‘one flesh.’ Bonding is two hearts beating as one. When you are bonded you are
not manipulating and controlling your wife. You are not demanding that she serve
you. You truly love her for who she is. When you are bonded to your wife she
always knows where you are and what you are doing. You are never doing
your own thing in order to maintain your independence.
At the same time you are not demanding that your wife be under your thumb. You
are encouraging her independence and growth. You want her to be confident. You
want her to know that if something were ever to happen to you that she would be
perfectly capable of living a successful life.
Everything in your wife is designed by God to work toward a bonded relationship
with her husband. If you will simply grow up, meet her needs, die to yourself
and give your life for your mate, then her “ticker” will work automatically.
In short order you will discover that you have a most incredible wife!
God made this real easy for us men, if we will simply lay down our lives for our
wives and meet their needs. When you quit throwing mud into your wife’s heart,
she will respond to you with love, affection, respect and everything else that
you are trying to force her to do.
The key to this is that you become the man that God has called you to be by
becoming the husband that your wife needs you to be.
It was difficult for me to bring down the walls of “self protection” in my heart
when Kathy expressed a need to bond with me. It was not just difficult. It was
almost impossible. I could not stand the negative feelings that were generated
in me when she would ask me to “listen to her heart” or “listen to her
feelings.” She was hurting and I was the cause. I did not want to hear about
that!
I protected myself from bonding with Kathy by “throwing down the gauntlet”
regularly. If we were discussing something and I wanted to quit talking about it
I would tell Kathy that the subject was closed. She would try to get me to talk
it out in order to get that all-important sense of closure. I would tell her
that she was being rebellious and unsubmissive. “I said that the conversation is
over and so it is over! I am the head of this house and it is sin for you to
demand that we talk further about it. You have to repent and get your heart
right.”
A horrible example was when I came back from the adultery. I demanded, “The
adultery is over. I have repented and you can never mention it again.” I
was too insecure to handle the “feeling” of her pain.
For three years I could not bring myself to embrace the depths of hurt that my
action had caused. I did not want to “go there.” Adultery hurts a wife worse
emotionally than any other thing that a husband can do. A husband who does this
is the “lowest of the low.” It is amazing that these same husbands still see
themselves as “God’s gift to women!”
 Male adulterers are almost incorrigible flirters! Kathy had to point out to me
repeatedly for a couple of years when I was flirting so that I could recognize
and stop it! The first few times Kathy said that I was flirting I resisted her
but then I started to recognize the pattern. Listen to your wife, men. God gave
her to you to help you grow up and become the man that He has called you to
become!
I put a lot of effort toward loving Kathy in those first ten years of marriage. It was on my terms, of course.
I would pour out tokens of love on her, we had regular “date nights” like all of
the marriage books suggest and I made sure that all of the special occasions
were celebrated.
Remember that we were in public ministry the entire first ten years of our
marriage when all of this was going on. We wanted to have a great marriage and
we truly worked hard at it. The problem was that we were trying everything
according to my terms; after all, I was the head of the house and Kathy had to
follow.
Listen, guys, your wife is a gift given to you from God for a purpose. God
gave your wife to you so that you could become the man that He has called you to
be.
The only way that you will become the man that God has called you to be is by
becoming the husband that your wife needs you to be.
In order to meet your wife’s individual and particular needs you may have to
grow up and mature.
When you are successfully meeting her needs and she is a happy wife, you can be
certain that you are growing into the man that God has called you to become.
Golden Key
Your Wife Wants A Deep,
Meaningful, Bonded,
Successful
Relationship With You!
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